WHEN WALKING

_{(Thoughts from the office, 2017)}

There are times in my life, maybe not in yours, where I feel I am just waiting for things to happen. I know I can sit here and time will pass by. I know I could sit here until I die. And there is nothing outside of this small seated self to drive me on.

I am in the wood between the worlds. Everywhere there are still, identical pools and all that is needed is to jump into one and plunge into a new existence, a new reality. But I sit here, unable to decide which world to choose. The wood is calm and safe but nothing will ever happen here, just the endless circling of thoughts.

It seems wise that before jumping into one of these pools, a means of return is contrived. But another voice whispers that, with this option, It will be impossible to find the strength to stay away. The calm of the woods will always call you back from worlds where all can be lost and rewards are hard won

Once upon a time I sat in an office, where I spent every day, looking at the one scene out the window and the other in the room, waiting for interruptions or disturbances. The world came in with phone calls and emails. Small things happened but life passed by. In this whole world, I spent my days in these few square metres, looking out at the larger world of a courtyard, travelling the same ten miles here and back. I asked myself, ‘What will happen, if I just get up and go?’ and I was scared. I asked myself, ‘and what will happen, if I don’t?’ and a different kind of fear took root.

I am not a brave decisive person, but sometimes I snap. It has happened a few times and that is when, if only in bright, doomed bursts, life began.